Jonathan shared a powerful post on experiencing the grief of miscarriage. When I read it, it reminded me of when Missy and I went through the same feelings. I thought I would share here what I shared on Jonathan’s blog. Also, it reminded me of this post that I wrote after our miscarriage in 2007 – A Hopeful Hankie and this post – Dealing With God When the Answer is “No”
Looking back at those two posts after reading Jonathan’s was very cathartic.
Missy and I went through this same experience. I had heard of people having miscarriages and I remember being sad for them but I had NO IDEA what it was like to actually go through it. It was an emotional and spiritual roller coaster. I felt empty. My mind felt blank. It was a very disconnecting experience as you wrestle with protecting yourself from the reality and seriousness of your feelings vs. dealing with what actually happened.
I remember all the calls. People wanted to tell us they were thinking of us and praying for us but after about 4 or 5 calls I just couldn’t talk to anyone else about it. It hurt to have to say it all again and again. So the phone just rang and rang. We felt so loved that people would want to call us but so hurt over what had just happened.
It all felt hopeless. This was to be our first child. We had no idea if we would ever have another. That really, really hurt. Fortunately God has blessed us with two great kids but at the time it all seemed pretty hopeless and impossible to stomach.
Then you have the spiritual wrestling. You wrestle with your faith and you wrestle with God. This comes out through the questions you ask. Why did this happen? Was God calling the shots on this one? If so why would He do this to one so innocent? Do it to me instead, okay? This was a tough one. The only conclusion I could come up with was that this world was a messed up, dirty, rotten place and that maybe God was just as upset about this one as I was.
Last you have the well meaning people. They want to say all the right words but often times say things that hurt. They say things like “God just needed another angel” and I wanted to say how do you know that? How do you know God is happy about the death of this child?
To sum it all up, I felt robbed. I felt cheated. I had so much hope for this kid and none of it was going to happen (at least not in the way we had anticipated). Then I realize that I do that very thing to God through my sin. I cheat my heavenly Father all the time through my actions and attitudes and if it feels anything like this to Him then I don’t want to be a part of that ever again.
But through it all, looking back, God was there. He was there right in the middle of all the tears and the heartache and grief and suffering. The day after the miscarriage, Missy’s parents were at the house. It was somber. Someone said something about how nice it would be if we just had a bit of chicken noodle soup to eat. About two minutes later the doorbell rang. We answered the door and there wasn’t anyone there but there on the doorstep was a container of chicken noodle soup! I know that sounds small but it reminded us that God was paying attention. Four years later and it still doesn’t totally make sense but I can say that the experience grew my faith because it forced me to wrestle with things and see if my relationship with God was real or just something to believe because it was the best option I could come up with.